2020 NZ Tramping Calendar

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The Tramping Calendar Blues (or Rap)

by Harry Smith

(Best spoken aloud with a heavy 4/4 rap beat)

(Apologies to everyone for this silly nonsense but Tony Gazley  makes me do it every year).

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Oh God, it’s that time of the year

When Tony Gazley’s calendar’s here

And he has asked me to review it

And I agreed and now I rue it!

I could’ve refused but I went and blew it!

How on earth am I supposed to do it?

He seems to think there’s nothing to it!

WTMC

To write reviews is easy, innit?

Just whip up something in a minute!

But it’s hard to know just how to spin it

And whatever I write I usually bin it!

WTMC

He makes me do this every year

I live my life in mortal fear

And I’m condemned for all eternity

Like Sisyphus in Greek mythology

To roll a boulder up a hill

Endlessly against my will

Then watch it to the valley spill

And start again – a bitter pill

The whole damn thing makes me feel ill!

WTMC

What can one say about a calendar?

I may as well review a colander

Or some carrots or cucumbers

It’s just a grid with lots of numbers

Illustrated with a mixture

Of Tony’s outdoor tramping pictures

There’s one each year – one of life’s fixtures

And every year I must review it –

How the hell am I going to do it??

WTMC

I know – I’ll do it as a poem!!

I’ll come across like Leonard Cohen

Like Keats or Coleridge or Byron

Just like a brooding, dark romantic!

Or maybe something fast and frantic

Like an expert ghetto-rap grandmaster

But maybe I’ll be even faster!

It could be great – or a disaster!

WTMC

So here it goes – I hope it flows!

WTMC

Tony’s calendar’s a beaut

You should buy one – it’s a hoot!

It’ll only cost you 20 bucks

If you don’t buy one – yah, boo, sucks!

WTMC

Tony’s calendar is awesome

If you were in a shop and saw some

You would buy one in a jiffy

Because the photos are so spiffy!

WTMC

Tony’s calendar is cool –

if you don’t buy one you’re a fool!

’cause it’s a really useful tool

Much better than an old slide rule!

(God, that’s awful but I don’t care –

I want to get the hell out of here!)

WTMC

Yes, Tony’s calendar is cool

With lots of photos that are cool

WTMC

And if you think that you are cool

You should buy one – that’d be cool

(I like my rhymes there – they’re so cool!)

Tony’s calendar is nice

With lots of shots of snow and ice.

And if you want my real advice,

I think you ought to buy it twice!

WTMC

And you can hang it on your wall

In the den or in the hall

In the kitchen, in the basement –

That’s a really useful placement!

And you should hang one in the loo

You really need one in there too!

I think you should buy twenty-two!

I really, really, really do!

(And I’m sure that Tony thinks so too!)

WTMC

Tony’s photographs are pretty

With outdoor shots, not in the city

(I’m trying to think of something witty

To help fill out this stupid ditty –

I can’t escape it, more’s the pity!)

WTMC

There’re photographs of happy trampers,

Hikers, bikers, climbers, campers.

Sometimes they are wearing parkas

And there’s a great shot of a kaka

And even photos of big trees –

It really is quite the bee’s knees!

(There’s even a photo of bee’s knees!)

WTMC

Tony’s calendar’s really pleasant

It’ll make a cracker Christmas present

Like socks or chocs or roasted pheasant

Or some pliers, or a crescent.

WTMC

(God, I’m desperate for a rhyme!

I think it’s really getting time

That I went off and did a bunk

Down to the boozer to get drunk.)

WTMC

Tony’s calendar’s just the ticket

For when you’re on a sticky wicket

Or lost in some God-awful thicket

And I know a place where he can stick it

(On the wall, I mean, like an art critic)

WTMC

Tony’s calendar’s tick-a-boo

And he has made it just for you

So I think the least that you can do

Is go and buy a hundred or two!

WTMC

I hope this review makes Tony happy,

That he will be a happy chappie

So buy one now and make it snappy!

And if you buy enough of them

He’ll watch the moolah rolling in

And if you buy a million copies

Tony will be rich!!

WTMC

And he’ll rejoice in his good karma

And fly  off out to the Bahamas

Sipping rum and coca-colas

And rolling in the mega-dollars!

WTMC

Then he’ll decamp to fair Tahiti

And hook up with a South Seas sweetie

And munch on mangoes and drink martinis

And watch the flower-bedecked wahines

Dancing in their cute bikinis.

WTMC

Then he’ll mosey off to Acapulco

And put up in a luxury hotel

And mingle with the wealthy people

And wallow in the thermal spa pool.

WTMC

Then he’ll join the jet set down in Rio

Where there’s a certain Latin brio

Dancing all that fiery salsa

With all the pretty senoritas

And drinking wine and margaritas.

WTMC

Then up to Vegas and out to Reno

To try his luck at the casino

Then off to Rome and San Marino 

And then Provence and Monte Carlo

To splurge out at the roulette table.

Then he’ll be off to Biarritz

Staying in the Hotel Ritz

With all the glamour and all the glitz –

And wearing his old tramping kits!

WTMC

So come on, make our Tony happy!

Buy a calendar and make it snappy!

Buy one now you stingy bastards!

And meanwhile I’m off to get plastered!

WTMC

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You can take a look at the calendar before rushing off to Bivouac, Mercer Street with your $20 cash.